Home About Contact Subscribe Shop With Me Sponsor

One Year Later

September 17, 2012 by Trina 18 Comments

For a few weeks I felt the day approaching…looming over me like a dark cloud. I had been fine for months but all the sudden the one year anniversary of my dad’s passing brought up all the regret and guilt and of course sadness again. I dreaded each passing day that brought me closer to 9/14/12. It seems silly but it was like I was reliving it. I would think to myself, “Exactly one year ago today and at this time, this is what I was doing”. I replayed everything over in my head, regretting my choices, feeling guilty for “not doing enough”.

It hit it’s peak on Thursday. I was so sad and lonely, work was quiet and so without the usual distractions I was available to think too much. I had had a dream the night before about my dad. In my dream I was hugging him not wanting to let go and telling him I loved him. Something I didn’t do every often while he was here. Before bed on Thursday night, I went in the living room and sat next to Jonathan and whispered, “You know what tomorrow is, right?” He nodded. I told him how all the guilt and regret was coming back and how the dreams make me happy and sad at the same time. I said, “Why am I having these dreams??” He suggested maybe God was allowing me to make up for the hugs I didn’t so freely give while Dad was here. I asked him to pray for me and I cried as he did. I drifted off to sleep that night with a tear soaked pillow.

Friday was a full day and I was glad for it. Work was busy, I had lunch with a friend and dinner that night with a group of friends to celebrate a birthday. I felt better. I wasn’t constantly fighting off the guilt and regret. I definitely felt prayed over. If you were one of those, thank you. You have no idea how much that means to me.

One year later and I’ve learned so much about myself. Since my dad passed I have changed for the better. It’s taught me that life truly is a vapor, that our lives can change in an instant and you never know what tomorrow, next week, next month, next year will look like for you. It’s taught me that loving someone means loving them warts and all.

My dad drove me bananas. He was proud and always right. He got crabby with strangers if he didn’t get his way. But he loved me to the moon and back. He saw past all my flaws. I just wish I could’ve done the same for him before it was too late.

I miss you dad.

18 Comments

  1. Trina, sorry to hear about your dad’s passing. I pray that you will continue to find peace and comfort. The first year is always the hardest, but although time does help, the pain of loss never really goes away. I lost my grammy (who raised me) over 12 years ago and it still hurts. I have dreams about her pretty frequently and it is always a blessing. I know it isn’t really her, but having time with her in my dreams helps with the grief. ;) I hope your dreams continue and that they do the same.

  2. Awe trina this made me sob! So beautifully written and he is so proud of you! I had a dream about him a few weeks ago too left me sad all day but God is good and im sure grandpa is up there talking to anyone who will listen about his family and how special they are! :) Love you!! Hugs!!!!

  3. Hi Trina! I’ve been a follower of your blog for awhile now, but I stink at commenting :) Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed reading your post this morning. Not because it was a happy post, that’s not what I mean. But because the whole time I sat there thinking “me too”. I lost my dad to cancer 8 years ago this month. 5 days ago was the anniversary of his death actually. And much like you I have so much guilt and regret for what I should have done, I should have hugged him more, I should have stayed in the room with him that morning, I should have told him I loved him one last time, I should have told him goodbye… And now he’s gone. Forever. And I miss him so much it hurts. And every year, just like you, I replay that morning like a movie in my head, like it just happened. And every year it hurts just as much as the morning we lost him. I too have dreams, lots of them. Dreams he comes back but he’s not really there. He doesn’t speak, he just comes and then he leaves. And I’m left screaming on the ground, begging him to please stay, telling him how much I love him…
    All that to say, you’re not alone. I’m so sorry for your loss, I know all too well the heartache that you feel. And I pray God’s peace and loving arms around you while you grieve the loss of your Daddy. {hugs}

    • Kristen, thank you so much for your comment. I apologize for taking over a week to reply to you. I loved reading what you wrote because it made me feel less alone. I know I’m not the only one who’s lost a parent but sometimes it feels in my little bubble that I am so it’s helpful to hear when others have experienced what I am experiencing and that it’s normal. Thank you so much for taking the time to write! Hugs to you too!

  4. Those anniversary dates are always going to be heart tuggers…

    so glad you made it through the day feeling prayed over – what a blessing.

    Oh, how God teaches us about ourselves in every event of our lives.
    I’m with your husband though – I think God is letting you get in all those missed hugs… & know you’ll have an eternity with him to catch up on all those hugs as well :)

  5. Oh Trina, I am so sorry that you have felt all the pain all over again, but you did make it through that day and you will continue to make it each and every year. I don’t know if you remember me telling you that I lost my daddy when I was just 9 yrs. of age and I missed out on tons of things, but the Lord called him home at a young age and still every year when that anniversary date comes around I think about him and I still remember all the events, but I know someday I will be with him and so you will be with your dad as well. I am so happy that Johnathon is the rock for you that he is- I really have never had that so I am really happy and grateful that he is that for you and that he has insight for you when it comes to these important matters of the heart. WE all need someone that can understand us and our hurts, I am glad that we all can talk about these things with one another without fear of what someone may think because friends are just like that. I can tell you that time will help, but at the same time after all these many yrs. you will never forget and there will always be a sting of pain, but it does get better. There will always be the “what ifs” because that is just our human side for us to have those questions, but in time maybe God will reveal more answers and continue to touch you in more ways than you can ever imagine and continue your growth in Him. Hugs,
    Lou

  6. Trina,
    Thank you for sharing this. In time, the memories you have will make you more happy than sad. It just takes time.

    There is a book I read after my brother died that really made me hopeful for the relationship we’ll have in Heaven. It’s called My Dream of Heaven by Rebecca Springer. I know that books about Heaven are a little controversial and sometimes not very Biblically accurate, but this one reminded me that there is a grand reunion waiting for us in Heaven.

  7. awww, trina im in tears. i hope this year has brought you a bit of comfort. i still cant imagine what it feels like to lose a parent, although i know ill have to face that reality someday. praying for you my friend.

  8. I think of you all the time… losing a parent just sucks. Hugs.

  9. So sorry for your loss girl! He sounds just like my grandpa. I called him my “grumpy old bear”, but I’m sure that both my grandpa and your dad knew how much we loved them. {{Hugs}}