For a few weeks I felt the day approaching…looming over me like a dark cloud. I had been fine for months but all the sudden the one year anniversary of my dad’s passing brought up all the regret and guilt and of course sadness again. I dreaded each passing day that brought me closer to 9/14/12. It seems silly but it was like I was reliving it. I would think to myself, “Exactly one year ago today and at this time, this is what I was doing”. I replayed everything over in my head, regretting my choices, feeling guilty for “not doing enough”.
It hit it’s peak on Thursday. I was so sad and lonely, work was quiet and so without the usual distractions I was available to think too much. I had had a dream the night before about my dad. In my dream I was hugging him not wanting to let go and telling him I loved him. Something I didn’t do every often while he was here. Before bed on Thursday night, I went in the living room and sat next to Jonathan and whispered, “You know what tomorrow is, right?” He nodded. I told him how all the guilt and regret was coming back and how the dreams make me happy and sad at the same time. I said, “Why am I having these dreams??” He suggested maybe God was allowing me to make up for the hugs I didn’t so freely give while Dad was here. I asked him to pray for me and I cried as he did. I drifted off to sleep that night with a tear soaked pillow.
Friday was a full day and I was glad for it. Work was busy, I had lunch with a friend and dinner that night with a group of friends to celebrate a birthday. I felt better. I wasn’t constantly fighting off the guilt and regret. I definitely felt prayed over. If you were one of those, thank you. You have no idea how much that means to me.
One year later and I’ve learned so much about myself. Since my dad passed I have changed for the better. It’s taught me that life truly is a vapor, that our lives can change in an instant and you never know what tomorrow, next week, next month, next year will look like for you. It’s taught me that loving someone means loving them warts and all.
My dad drove me bananas. He was proud and always right. He got crabby with strangers if he didn’t get his way. But he loved me to the moon and back. He saw past all my flaws. I just wish I could’ve done the same for him before it was too late.
I miss you dad.